


Pancakes.

by Dizzy1967



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:01:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dizzy1967/pseuds/Dizzy1967
Summary: Boris is feeling low, Theo offers reassurance.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 4
Kudos: 102





	Pancakes.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hello_lovely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hello_lovely/gifts).



Theo sits up, woken up by the cold.  
He reaches around, searching for his glasses, Boris had taken them from him before shoving him into bed.  
'go to sleep, Potter! Is late and you will get grumpy!'

Of course Boris was right, it had been nearly three in the morning and Theo was still trying to get all the information he needed to help fix the mess he'd made out of Hobie's work. 

Now though, Boris was the one awake.  
Theo slipped his glasses on and got up, walking towards the kitchen.

He found Boris sitting on the countertop, coffee pot running and a cigarette between his lips as he looked out the open window, a cold breeze blowing in every now and then.

"Boris.." Theo said.  
He kept his voice down,  
He felt like he had to.  
Something in the air was wrong, off.. the usual energy and light that Boris always seemed to radiate was nowhere to be seen.

Boris took a long drag from the cigarette, his eyes falling from the dark window to the coffee pot before finally, turning to Theo.  
"Sorry, I tried to be quiet."

His eyes are red and Theo faltered, he'd seen Boris sad before, angry and even furious before, he's never hidden his emotions from Theo.. except, apparently now.

"You didn't wake me... Why aren't you sleeping?"  
He asks, closing some of the space between them, leaning on the counter beside boris and crossing his arms. 

Boris looks away, pulling the coffee pot out and pouring a cup, steam clouding upwards in the cold breeze.  
"Would you like some?"  
He asks, dodging Theo's question.

Theo frowns and nudges his arm.  
"Come on. Answer me. Why are you up?"

Boris sinks, shoulders falling as he scrubs a hand over his face and taps his cigarette out on the counter.  
"That is a no on the coffee then?"

Theo doesn't respond, although now he can see Boris properly and his eyes are rimmed red and his hands are Shaking.

"Were.. were you crying?"  
Theo looks at him, eyes widening a little as he turned to face Boris. 

Boris scoffs.  
"No, I was not, I do not have reason to cry! You are just tired, Potter. You are seeing things, go back to bed."

Theo moves, placing himself directly in front of Boris, his hands moving to Boris' cheeks, tilting his face upwards.  
A simple touch, the kind they've shared millions of times, though.. usually it's Boris who reaches out first.

Boris grabs Theo's wrists, his eyes closing tightly.  
"I am fine. Go to bed again, please."

Theo scowled. Looking over Boris pale skin, his cheeks splotchy and lips drawn in a tight line.  
"Absolutely not. What the fuck? What's wrong? Talk to me Boris."

Boris shrinks back, his grip on Theo tightening.  
"I told you-"

Theo cuts him off, knocking his knuckles against the side of boris' head.  
"Bullshit. You better tell me what's wrong, I know talking is hard, believe me. But you're.. you're never like this, since when do you.. do you not tell me things?" 

Boris finally opens his eyes again, looking at Theo.  
His hands drop and his eyes well up with tears.  
"I am just thinking. Couldn't sleep. I'll be okay.."

Theo can feel the worry and frustration mixing painfully in his chest.  
He just wants to help him, why won't Boris let him help?  
"Please.. tell me."

Boris' eyes fall, and he's crying.  
Tears falling silently down his cheeks, wetting Theo's palms.  
"..was it me?"  
He asks quietly.  
So quiet, Theo almost can't believe it's boris.

Theo softens, wiping the tears from boris' face.  
"Was what you?"

Boris shivers as another cold gust blows in from the open window.  
"In- when you.. when you took all those pills.. was it me? Was it because I came back?"  
Boris crumbles as soon as the words are out of his mouth.  
He falls forward, his head knocking Theo's collar bone and nearly his chin.

Theo's gut twists with guilt, his insides feel like they've been filled with glass.. glass and ice.  
Boris thinks it's his fault...  
How long had he thought it was his fault?  
They had gotten back months ago, got an apartment and Boris had even started helping out Hobie when he had free time.  
Had he been feeling like this since then?

Theo wraps his arms around boris' shoulders.  
"Do you actually-... It wasn't your fault. Boris I was-.. I was doing bad.. for a really long time, that wasn't your fault, none of it was."  
His words are rushed, he needs Boris to believe him. To know that without a doubt, he wasn't to blame for what Theo did.

Boris grabs his shirt, pressing himself closer, nearly knocking his cup onto the floor.  
"It is! I stole your bird, I made you go with me to Amsterdam and I made you do all of that, all because of that you.. you had to shoot someone! I know it fucked with you! I could see it as soon as we left but I was so scared that if i-.. i-if I messed up again you would leave and never come back.. s-so I say to myself 'is work. No big deal.' but it was. I am so sorry!"  
His voice is boken, cracking as he pushes the words past his teeth. Like they hurt him to say as much as it hurts Theo to hear.

Theo hugs him tighter, pressing his nose into dark curls before pulling back and forcing Boris to look at him.  
"I need you to listen. You did nothing.  
You got my painting back. You made sure it was put back where it belongs, you got other paintings put back where they belong-" 

Boris jumps in.  
"I made you hate your life, Theo!! I am not a good person! I made you-"

Theo can feel heat boiling in his chest, 'theo' not Potter.. it made him uncomfortable. He smacks a hand over Boris mouth.  
"You shut the fuck up. Don't talk- don't say that."  
He needs Boris to stop.  
"You didn't. Do you understand me?"  
He needs Boris to listen.

Boris looks at him with tear rimmed wide eyes.

"You stole my painting, I stole it too! You took me to Amsterdam, saved me from a cheating fiance. She's probably making plans to marry Tom as we speak.  
Yes.. I shot someone. It did fuck me up, but it was scary. And-.. and even now I would do it again because it was him or you."  
Theo's hands moves from Boris mouth down to his arm.  
He had a scar there, where he'd been shot.  
Theo had forced Boris to let him take care it.  
"It was him or you, boris. I will always choose you."  
It's an admission.

The weight of it hangs between them and Boris is looking at him like he has so many things to say and can't decide which to start with.

Theo closes his eyes and Force's himself forward, because Boris needs to know this. Needs to know that his return, however abrupt and messy it was, will always be welcome, will always be one of the best things to happen to Theo.  
"Things-.. things piled up. What I did to Hobie, what I did to kitsey, what I did to you and what we-, a-and the taxi!"  
His words are jumbled and he's trying so hard to make Boris understand.  
he remembers vaguely how the snow felt in his shoes, how Boris had held him so tightly, shivering as they paced the sidewalk. Boris' words sticking to him 'come on, walk for me, there you go.' his legs like lead, dragging behind him. But Boris kept going. Kept pacing until Theo had been able to wobble along with him. "It was me. I couldn't stop thinking. It got the better of me, but then you came! And it was so cold but you still made me go outside.. you hate the cold." 

Boris pulls him closer, he's gone quiet again.  
Listening to Theo ramble.

Theo hopes he can make sense of it all. 

"T-the point is, with out you. I would be.. God I would be so much worse.."  
Quiet words, his mouth pressed to the top of boris' head, one hand in boris' hair, the other pressing at the scar on his arm.

Boris takes in a deep trembling breath.  
"You are being dramatic. Saying things that are not true.."

Theo's grip tightens in his hair.  
"Im not lying."  
His voice is soft, but stern. Forcing Boris to know this fact.

Boris faltered.

Theo looks at him.  
Watching as boris wipes his eyes.

"I need you to believe me... Im-.."  
Theo takes a deep breath.  
"I'm sorry.. it was never your fault."

Boris looks down. 

Both of them are shivering in the cold.

It feels like there's so much more to say even thought Theo is sure he's already said too much.

Boris is the one who breaks the silence.  
"I will always choose you too."

Theo tried to ignore the way his heart aches at the simple sentence, Theo way he itches to pull Boris as close as possible.  
To return the comfort that Boris had always given him.

Theo wants to be that for Boris, a source of comfort.  
Somewhere he knows he can always go no matter what.  
"I'd never leave you, y'know. Please don't think you could ever make a mistake o-or say something that would make me leave you."

Boris looks at him and something crumbles.  
He throws his arms around Theo, head under Theo's chin and squeezing him tightly.  
"не говори так."  
Soft voice against theo's chest.  
"Вы заставляете меня плакать."

Theo wraps him in another hug.  
An idea popping into mind.  
Another way to cheer Boris up.  
"If you would like, we can go to breakfast?"  
He glances at the clock.  
The sun at some point had started shining through the window, casting the kitchen in a warm glow that made the cold air a little more bearable.  
It was six-thirty

Boris laughed quietly.  
"Really? You hate going out for breakfast."

Theo shrugs.  
"Anywhere you want." 

Boris raises his head, looking up at him.  
"Alright. We go to breakfast. We can get pancakes, yes?"  
Some of his cheeriness returning.

Theo smiles and nods, tugging Boris down onto the floor.  
"Yes."

Boris smiles, his eyes falling downward.  
"Thank you.. potter."  
He turns and quickly goes to get ready for the day.

There's still guilt in the fact that he had made Boris feel that way, made him regret coming back.. but Theo had been able to help.. he spoke too much and too fast, buts that's how they were . So he supposed it made sense.  
They always did too much, too quickly and kept running, always back to each other.

Now it wasn't just Theo running to boris, or Theo running away and Boris trying to catch up.  
It was going to be Theo running to boris, and Boris running to Theo.

He was going to give Boris what Boris had always given to him, a safe place.  
A permanent place amongst all the mess.

And pancakes, he was also going to give Boris pancakes.

**Author's Note:**

> The Russian bits translate to  
> "Don't say that"  
> "You'll make me cry."


End file.
